Help me clear my debt!, this is a disgrace, all these folks shamelessly begging for someone else's hard earned cash, have you tried getting a job like the rest of us ? Try the Blackadder option, you know, "Oh please go on the game"

Bit of a theme thing here, George Bush makes his feelings clear on the Oil/Iraq situation........
Regular reader and all round man of good taste Paul suggests you try putting words in Bush's mouth, oh dear, the tears of laughter.

No blog yesterday, couldn't access Blogger all afternoon. I don't thing Orange (or Arnge if you are reading from Ulster) are up for the fight,
"This scene was filmed in Rio De Janeiro using local actors - including the man with the beard. Orange tries to ensure ethnic diversity in all of its communications including advertising and as a global company has a multi national workforce in areas as diverse as Europe, Asia and Africa."
Blah, blah, blah, no mention of standing up to me in a fair fight, bloody jessies.

I've got a problem with Orange, the mobile phone company that is, not the tasty, vitamin c packed citrus fruit. Its that bloody advert, beards are the new niggers, if you changed the advert to "Less of what you don't like, Paki's, Kikes, Spics and Wogs" people would be up in arms, and rightly so, but bewhiskered gents have become the new media kickaround now that you can't make jokes about colour, religion and nationality.
Well, I for one have had enough, which is why I have sent this e-mail to Orange.........
"I believe your current "beard" advert to be nothing more than racism in another hat, therefore I would like the name of the advertising exec who thought up the advert so I can challenge him to a fist fight, if he wins, you get to keep showing the advert, if I win, you take it off air, fair enough?"
Orange have said this..............
"Dear Mike
Thank you for your feedback on the Orange website. You will receive a personal response as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely,
Orange Web Development Team "

Fight! Fight! Get your tickets here, in the blue corner, weighing in at 13st some, the bearded, tattooed fighting machine............Yorkshiresoul, in the red corner, weighing in at 9st in his underpants (soiled), a wimpy, pasty, chin like a babies bum advertising wally. Ysoul 11-8 on, office boy 20-1, Ysoul to win by knockout in the first round - evens.

Oh, and because you lot love linky stuff, here's something to do on your next day off, squirrel fishing.

Yesterday, scared the bejezus out of myself watching '28 Days Later', brilliant start to the film, lost its way a little later on, also saw the remake of 'Oceans 11' which, despite my pathological hatred of George Clooney, a man with the acting ability of Charles Bronson on Prosac, was actually a half decent movie. I do wish though, that my local cinema showed films like this.........

The National Toaster Museum of America needs your money, they've been begging for it since 1997, and they're not doing very well.

Although I will berate Kerrang and others for lazy list journalism, I will now do just the same thing. In no particular order, YSoul's list of ladies it would be interesting to spend time with (if not married, obviously).

1) Helen Hunt - gosh, she is just so nice, I imagine Helen would cook, something good and traditional, roast chicken then apple pie, she's that kind of girl.


2) Dawn French - dinner at a restaurant, with lots of wine, a laugh riot obviously and possibly we'd get asked to leave by the manager.


3) Milla Jovovich - is there any chance she'd wear that strappy, bandage thingy from 5th Element ? No, shame.


4) Paula Radcliffe - superwoman, dinner would obviously be lots of carbs, followed by a ten mile run, that's me buggered then.


5) Fi Glover - intelligent, educated, funny, what more could you ask for ?


6) Jade Jones - would she fancy a jump ? Hee hee hee (That was an athletics in-joke, sorry)


7) Tara Palmer-Tompkinson - not bright, not well educated, funny, this would only go well as a date if she doesn't have her nose in the candy bag.


8) Baroness Thatcher - How do you like your eggs Mrs.T ? Turned ? No, thought not.


9) Angelina Jolie - Arooga! Arooga! But she has weird ideas about exchanging bodily fluids, all that vial of blood stuff.


10) Avril Levigne - naked of course (shame on me, I've managed a whole week without mentioning her once, mind you, that will double todays hits).

I went out shopping the other day and came back with a haul of SF, Jeff Noon, Stephen Baxter, Rob Grant, Ken Macleod and Richard Morgan, then, oh joy, a package came from the F+SF book club with two Robert Holdstck novels, Mythago Wood and Gate Of Ivory (boys, can someone lend me Lavondyss, Hollowing and Merlin's Wood?), here are all Robert Holdstocks books, he does write under a heap of other names, the Robert Faulcon novels are pretty good. Here also is a link to the Ansible Archives, Dave Langfords guide to all that is good and bad in SF.

Despite this tragic news, I still find it hard to feel sorry for Courtney Love.

I see famous people, sort of. There I was, pottering around Leeds, when a tall young man with a curly mop of ginger hair caught my eye, sadly my neurons don't fire fast enough for these situations and I was back in the car before I said to Mrs YSoul "Ere, that was Ryan Sidebottom that was", and I didn't even get a chance to tell him bloody awful Yorkshire were last season. In this pic I have no idea what Ryan is doing, he may be praying to Mecca, caught up in a mini typhoon, or the new Nirvana song is being played on the PA system at Headingley.

Go on Craig White, la la la la la, we're gonna win the ashes. I know I have a lot of American readers, and they won't have a clue about cricket, Craig White or the Ashes, well over the winter I'll try to teach them about the best sport in the world, starting with the quite brilliant Barmy Army guide to field placings. Here is a simple explanation of the game of cricket, including the highly amusing in-out rules thingy you get on tea towels and the like.

Mrs. Yorkshiresoul would like to suggest a rules change for football. Whenever a player is deemed to be acting like a 'big soft puff' (see Chelsea and the Italian national team), rolling around on the pitch after being breathed on by more hardy types (see Ron 'Chopper' Harris, Lee Bowyer etc.), they will be carted off the pitch on the stretcher. After reaching the touchline and injured player may be substituted, uninjured players however, those cheating (see Arsenal, Scum U) players who immediately bound off the stretcher ready for action will have to sit out the rest of that half of the match in the dugout.
As a rule change I think its eminently sensible, cheats and their teams will be punished, sadly it means we will spend half the season with Harry Kewell taking an early bath, but hey ho. Considering this, I would like to bring in a second rules change..........whenever Harry Kewell does one of those annoying back passes, or something unnecessarily complex that results in the ball being passed to an opposing player, I'm allowed to birch him.

And lastly, because it wouldn't be YS without a pointless link, here is the human clock.

A Dangerous Childhood : Coins On The Railway Line
Up at the top of the village there was a footbridge over the railway line, and although fenced off, access to the line itself was not difficult for the more adventurous child. I can't remember who's idea this was, but someone came back from Blackpool with a tuppence they had put through one of those presses that stretch and flatten the coin and print the Blackpool Tower on it. We thought that the 3.14 from Ilkley would have pretty much the same effect as a coin press, so up we went with pockets filled with coins, we popped one on the track, hid behind the supporting arch of the bridge and waited for a train.

The train came and went, and lo and behold our coin was thinner, it was also curvy and shiny to boot. In time for the next train we had laid out a row of coins on the track, one for each of the half dozen or so lads who were participating in this latest madcap scheme. the next train went past and we were all rewarded with a thin, curvy, shiny coin.

Obviously our activity wasn't dangerous enough, oh no. A new idea was touted, and rapidly accepted, a brave volunteer went forth and placed a stack of two pence pieces on the track, we waited. A train came, it hit the stack of coins, they didn't go all thin and curvy and shiny, no, they spewed off the track like little copper bullets, ricocheting off the bridge and embedding themselves at some velocity into the grass banking behind us.

At this point some sense of self preservation kicked in, also the train driver had seen us and would no doubt halt at the signal box to report us, we did the sensible thing and ran away. Looking back on this as an adult I can't believe quite how stupid we were, I don't know if a train could be derailed by something so small as a stack of coins, but I do think they would have punctured young flesh quite neatly if we hadn't have got behind the bridge in time. This was to be the first and last time we tried this, although our adventures with the railways were not quite over, I mean, we had a big torch, and the tunnel wasn't that long, was it ?
Another dose of this madness here.

It is a fabulous day in the Yorkshire Dales today, bright winter sun, scudding clouds, a day off, actually, I might just take all week off.

I was going to write a little thing about everyone having a book in them, then link to a page showing a man eating a book, oh how you would laugh, but I couldn't find one. I seem to recall there was a Frenchman called mange-tout who got barred from the Guinness book for eating bicycles, aeroplanes and passing shoppers, but I can't find him either. What I could find includes this piece of weirdness involving Voltaire, Newton, anti-semitism and shop-lifting, also this, which is just bloody freaky, I also came across this man, make sure you get in the buffet queue before him, and oh dear, here he is again but eating brains, yes brains, and finally, Jay Thomas and Jaymes are bloaters of the first order, Blake Wehlage may be desperate for the toilet, but he better hope he gets there before Dave Gass' backside blows up.

Now that you've fired your pumpkin from your home made artillery piece, what should you do with it next ? Bill Patton became sexually attracted to his pumpkin, he thought it was a swell idea, neighbors and police did not.

You may have heard that 'barking mad' Grimsby Labour MP Austin Mitchell has changed his name by deed poll to Austin Haddock, in order to highlight problems facing the fishing industry, right. At a mixed function last week, where the guests didn't know each other, Mr. Fishname was a topic of conversation, "fool", "laughable", "idiot", "pointless".
"I disagree" said a lady.
"No-one will take him seriously" the man replied.
"I would" (I was pouring coffee, I had seen her name tag).
"Don't be so silly" he pressed on oblivious to the chasm that had opened up.
"My name is Samantha" she said. (It was, and then some, by now I can see what's coming and have poured coffee into cup, saucer and tablecloth).
"He's just an attention seeking moron with a bloody stupid name" and the gent plunged over the precipice.
"Samantha Halibut" she said. (I made my escape during the ensuing silence).

You just wouldn't, not even as a joke, there is no excuse, I mean, call a shop this and you may attract the wrong clientele.

Kerrang, which will be the subject of future rants, has published a list of the ten stupidest bands of all time. Mature readers will point out that these are the self same bands that K has used to sell copy for the last two decades, I suppose its not biting the hand that feeds until they make a comeback tour. The bands featured are there for all the wrong reasons, we expect them to mainline vodka, eat neat crack for breakfast and do unspeakable things with fish and groupies, what is unacceptable is the following...........
1) Kurt Cobain - world dominating band, rich beyond the dreams of avarice, beautiful young daughter, swallows a shotgun.
2) Little Angles - after achieving 5 top ten hits (from the same album!!!), decide that breaking up is the way to go.
3) Slipknot - Shitting on stage, I'd force him to eat it up with a teaspoon.
4) Wildhearts - combined career suicide of digesting own bodyweight in heroin, and the 'Endless, Nameless' album.
5) Guns 'N Roses - bloated double album followed by yearly promises of tours that never quite got off the ground, and swapping Slash for a guitarist called, and I kid you not, 'Buckethead', because he, er, well, wears a bucket on his head.
6) Vince Neil (Motley Crue) - killed his friend in drunk driving accident (should probably be higher in the list, but hey ho)
7) Deicide/Cradle of Filth/all black metal - idiot satanic fuckwits, come round my house and meet Mr.Cricket Bat you losers, who remembers Glen Benton burning an inverted cross onto his forehead, MWAHAHAHAHA.
I'm sure there are dozens of others (I never even mentioned the Spice Girls), let me know.

Bad news, whilst reading Andre Domine's tome on Wine on top of a tall building yesterday, I dropped it and killed someone. Good news, DNA testing has revealed it was Arthur Scargill, so no real loss there then. But this terminal literary velocity accident got me thinking, who would you like to kill with a weighty book ? And with which book ? Next time I get a chance I'm going to drop the combined Wisden Alamanac on to Shane Warne, followed by the official and unofficial biographies of Margaret Thatcher aimed squarely at David Blunkett (great, he won't even see them coming!!).

Are you an avid reader ? Much as some people can remember the convoluted plotlines of up to a half dozen soaps at any time, I do the same with books, my current reading list is as follows.........

Chasm City - Alastair Reynolds, good SF, better than Revelation Space

Travels With My Radio - Fi Glover, R5Live presenter potters around the globe finding obscure radio stations

Teach Yourself HTML in 24 hours - Dick Oliver, it isn't sinking in

Wine - Andre Domine, this is the definition of a tome, it would kill you if dropped from a tall building

How To Dunk A Doughnut (The Science of Everyday Life) - Len Fisher, obviously I skipped right to the final chapter....The Physics of Sex

Appetite - Nigel Slater, sod Jamie 'Bloody' Oliver, here's a chef that understands real food

Rough Guides to Paris, Barcelona, Rome - ready for my holidays, wahey

As I find it impossibly difficult to follow soap plotlines, could anyone tell me what has become of Nick Cotton ? Oh, and the lad from Eastenders who had AIDS for about 20 years, did he finally die or what ? (Mark something? He was Tucker in Grange Hill)

Ever worry that you stand out in the crowd ? Do you just want to be like veryone else, help is it hand because Dean and Nigel can help you to blend in.

I'm a bit loath to plug Dave as he's consistently funnier than me, but if you havn't already caught the vibe, then pop over to Davezilla, America's best blog. The best British blog, according to the Guardian anyway (and they gave him a grand for it!) is Scaryduck. Another great blog, but in a far more serious line is Wetlog.

The Friday Five

1. What are your favorite ways to relax and unwind? Wine, dinner with friends, hiking.

2. What do you do the moment you get home from work/school/errands? Open a bottle of wine.

3. What are your favorite aromatherapeutic smells? Coffee, chocolate, when P + J and myself were regulars at the Conservative Club you could smell the curry house next door as we walked down the street, especially good on a cold night.

4. Do you feel more relaxed with a group of friends or hanging out by yourself? Either, I see far too little of my friends, and my job forces me into days off when everyone else is working so I've become fairly happy on my ownsome.

5. What is something that you feel is relaxing but most people don't? Napalm bombing vast tracts of the Korean jungle.

6. Did you prefer this weeks Friday Five, or last weeks ? I think last week when I ignored the real questions and just made up a load of stuff seemed more fun somehow, except I cheated on question 5 this week, that was ok.

Oh no, yes, bugger, clam down indeed. Of course I meant to write 'clam down' rather than 'calm down', its a Tykeism, albeit one I've just invented. So, clam down, we're 100-odd for six, everything is going according to plan, Craig White is on his way to save the day.

I'm in need of cheering up, and good friend Patrick has helped out, first he has pointed out that I can't dance for toffee and therefore recomends a quick trip to the Gothic School of Dance, and if flailing around the dancefloor like Siouxsie Sioux on a bad trip doesn't do it for you then rest assured that there are always people out there constructing long range artillery using large gourds as ammunition, happy now ? As a pig in Old Trafford.

I was just perusing the Top Secret Animal Attack Files (purely for my readers education and titillation you understand) when I came across this, described as a !!!Reign of Terror!!!, this crazed beast was finally killed by brave police officers, reading between the lines, its immense bloodlust was fueled by alopecia, yes, that's right, it was a squirrel. Personally I'm more frightened of Tigers, and the police, especially when they work together!!!

Ok, ok, clam down, don't panic. It's all been planned in advance, Nasser knows what he's doing. I know we fielded a pretty good side, and I know three of their players were over 50 (runs and years, bah), yes and Harmison has bowled one of the longest overs in cricketing history, but its ok, we're just lulling the Aussies into a false sense of security. Gluttons for punishment can check out the Lilac Hill scorecard. You can check out the sorry tale of the last Ashes series here. If all that was just too depressing, cheer yourself up by purchasing a Barmy Army Ashes shirt, that'll do nicely.

Ah, Eleanor Rigby. It occurs to me that some of you may well be in search of lurve, good news, Dr. Love is in, I am here to help.
First, the very popular Russian brides, this is Irina #29566 and I think she just might be looking for a British husband, if you think Irina's educational standards may not be quite up to yours then you probably need the matchmaking site for Oxbridge folk or in a similar vein friends who like classical music might be right up your street. I'm actually getting a little concerned for our most educated set, they obviously have problems getting together, here's another site they could try Ivory Towers, don't they have pubs in Oxbridge ?
Maybe all that highbrow stuff isn't for you, what you want is more Russian babes, and who wouldn't ? Or perhaps a young wife from the Phillipines is your thing, you can't beat this site (apparently), it was featured in the critically acclaimed 'A Bride Too Far' and was the focus of a front page story in the Phillipine Enquirer, although they don't quote the article in question, why would that be? They do score points though for the quite lovely cupid and hearts that replace your mouse pointer. Finally, maybe it's just a good price your looking for, in that case head over to the Stack 'em high, Sell 'em cheap Brides Warehouse. Have fun now.

There has been a discussion raging amongst the waiters, and it is this.........Is April Levigne fit? Now obviously I have ben unable to join in the heated debate as the young lady in question appears to be 14 years old. However, waiter Henry has revealed that the burgeoning pop/rock babe is 'at least' 16 years of age, so to answer the question, April Levigne is fit, well, for a midget that is. A midget who has spent far too much time listening to Alanis Morisette.

I've got a draft of the 'Abuse/Comment on my taste in..' site up and running at the link shown, it's a bit bare at the moment, will fill in as time allows.

We went to the Ilkley bonfire on Saturday night, very cold but nice and dry, good fire, nice fireworks. I went out and bought some fireworks last week, readers will already know my predeliction for things that blow up and burn, thus I purchased the Armageddon, it's about the size of a car tyre, weighs about the same and promises a 500 shot barrage of incandescent mayhem, I can't wait.

Right, I've put some of those little 'Rate Me' thingies up on the blog so you can tell the world just how superb YS is, and what happens ??
You abuse it, that's what happens. Of the ten voters to hit the Bloghop buttons, two of you ingrates have hit the 'This site sucks' option, well smartypants, did you know that your name and addy has been culled from your hard drive as you voted ? No you bloody well didn't, so Mr Paul Geens of 23 Acacia Avenue, Nantwich (age 14) and you Miss Jane Calloway of 173 Caledonian Drive, West Peebles, when you here a knock at your front door on Monday, that'll be YorkshireSoul and his cricket bat come to discuss artistic merit with you.

You, dear reader are.......
The average Ysoul reader is an American, he, or perhaps she, came here looking for porn, Avril Levigne naked (which I'm almost sure I've never mentioned), slapper download code and information on rabbit lamping.
The next largest contingent of YS addicts are the Brits, they come in search of porn, the Wildhearts, Adam Ant and the naked ladies of Yorkshire.
The last notable section are the plucky Norwegians, these hardy Nordic types come in search of porn, the Wembley Demolition cam, Iain Banks and Nancy Dell'Olio naked.
Making up the rump are the solitary readers, just the one each, from Australia (hello Pixelkitty), NZ, RSA, Canada and the Imperial Taoist Kingdom of Mahatma. If things are running true to form they came looking for Avril Levigne and Nancy Dell'Olio having full on hardcore porno sex with the Wiildhearts in front of Wembley Stadium whilst Adam Ant whips Iain Banks with a naked rabbit.
All things taken into consideration, I think some of you lot need therapy, quickly.

The Friday Five

1) At the last moment, the pope cancelled your sainthood, why ?
Mike - It was all a bit embarrassing really, I was due to be elevated to the celestial ranks when an old concert video surfaced on MTV and in it I can clearly be seen singing along to Nuclear Assault on Hang The Pope, also, I'm a protestant.

2) Is it true you shagged Ulrika ?
Mike - Well lets be honest here lads, who hasn't?

3) Who did you last play golf with ?
Mike - Sadam and Dubya, I know I shouldn't really reveal this, but the whole war thing is just something we cooked up in the 19th over a few beers, we thought it would bolster the price of oil for a while and help the BP shares in my Euro-ISA.

4) What exactly was your role in the Cuban Missile Crisis ?
Mike - The two sides needed somewhere comfortable to talk, so we invited them down to my restaurant "Viva Castro" for tapas and wine, we really went the whole hog, literally, roast suckling pig, bacon and beans, paprika pork chops, it was a shame really, how was I to know that most of the US delegation were Jewish ?

5) Who would be you ideal dinner party guests ?
Mike - Keith Moon and Mother Teresa

Abandon whatever God you worship and sell your soul to The Cult of Slappy the Cat, Slappy may well be the coven master of the insidious evil that is the Vampire Cat's Club, these creatures have me frightened, all I wanted to do was to steal a little of the kitten hit market from Blogjam, and now I'm mixed up with things like this, aaaaaaaaaaargh, make the nasty thing go away mummy, that's not a bloody cat!! What the hell is it?

Oh Sven, what have you done, of course you are going to sack hapless David Seaman (just before they bring out a video of '30 great lob shots over Seamans head'), Solly boy was unlucky/stupid, but what is the point of putting on three strikers and then having two of them play so wide that they might as well be midfielders? Also, hats off to whoever we were playing, when they wern't faking injury they played some pretty decent football, I'm so glad we're not facing Poland/Italy/Germany in this group, I mean Turkey are no problem, are they?

I played golf this morning for the first time in weeks with brother in law Andy, he won, obviously, we shan't talk about my score apart from saying it would looked reasonable as a 40 over cricket score.

Pointless link of the day, and this is utter anorak territory, the fast food condiment packet museum, lordy, lordy, just end it all now.

A reader writes (for security reasons we'll call him Andy W.)........."You obviously have far too much time on your hands", bah humbug sir, he then goes on to say.........."What I'd really like to be able to do on Yorkshiresoul is abuse your taste in wine, film and especially music", erm, ok then. I'll set up a second blog, linked from here, and post very short reviews, or just titles/headers, of the items in the 'Yorkshiresoul has' list, you will have to respond through the 'Shout Out' below each message in the main journal body.
I had thought of allowing people to register as writers for the blog, but if too much info gets posted then the nice folks at Blogger.com have my credit card number and might not be afraid to use it. I will try to set up the linked blog over the weekend, any suggestions for a name?

Sven, Ulrika and Nancy.
What was Sven thinking, he has a stunning, intelligent (she's a lawyer!!) girlfriend, and he goes for a pretty, vapid, bimbo. He's got fillet steak at home, but he goes out for a pot noodle.
Ulrika....................................Nancy
Oozes slapper.......................Oozes class
Piat D'Or...............................Chateau Lafitte
McDonalds............................3 Michellin Stars
Kit Kat..................................Lindt Excellence
As for all that rubbish about Sven wanting a 3-some, when he said he wanted someone on the left, he meant the footie pitch not the double bed you daft bint!Arooga! Arooga! Time for a cold shower and a bromide injection I think.

And............didn't I promise you the details of how to shrink your voodoo cursed enemies severed heads well here it is, Yorkshiresoul - the irresponsible weblog.

Gosh its dark this morning, I've been up since the crack of dawn cleaning out the old, dying chest freezer so its brand spanking new replacement can be delivered. I'm now wondering about my comments to the salesman, I think when I said
"Give me the biggest freezer you have", what I should have said was...........
"Give me a freezer that will fit into this space".

Well, the nights are drawing in, which means I get more time off and hopefully a social life again. Last night I went to the Ilkley Literature Festival to see Iain Banks read from his latest novel, Dead Air, and answer questions from the audience. I've never been to a live literature event before, it was kind of nice to be sat down and have someone reading stories to you, very relaxing.
Iain was very funny, swigging bitter and swearing like a docker throughout the interview. He spoke at length about the two novels adapted for the screen, The Wasp Factory and Complicity I think, he said that although Use Of Weapons had been bought (and for serious money) he thought it unlikely to make it to film anytime soon. The book that Iain would most like to be filmed is Consider Phlebas, as he explained to the non-sf section of the audience "Its one huge object smashing into another huge object whilst a laser gun battle goes on around, its a science fiction thing". Can you imagine the ship hijack/loop world sequence on film ? Oh yes, that would be deeply impressive.

It hasn't rained properly for about six weeks, but there's some water falling on us this morning, simply splendid conditions for the Captain .vs President Team match teeing off this afternoon, oh well, at least I'll have hot mushroom soup and roast chicken for the boys when they come back in.

Lastly, daft link of the day, do you have enemies ? Do you have people you would rather like to see writhing in pain ? Well here you go then, if there isn't a handy voodoo high priest in your neighbourhood you can simply send an online voodoo curse to your nearest and dearest. If by this method you accidently kill someone.....
1) Don't blame Yorkshiresoul
2) Click back here tomorrow and I'll show you how to shrink your enemies severed head!

Here are a group of free spirits who adjust billboards in the US for laughs, but if you look closely at this piece of advertising frippery, haven't they just put the mark of satan on Sven Goran Erikson?

England to win The Ashes, oh yes, I have determined that England will crush Australia in this winters Ashes series, why will we win ? Well, it is all down to Vegemite vs. Marmite.
Now, whilst both are tasty savoury spreads derived from yeast, there is a world of difference in the taste. In a Taste-E-Meter taste test the rather benign Australian Vegemite rated only a 5, or about equal to mature cheddar cheese, chorizo sausage and raw onion. When the mighty British Marmite was fed into the Taste-E-Meter the machine rejected the sample four times before registering a 9.2, or about equal to mature Stilton, raw Scotch Bonnet chillies and neat petrol.
In further tests English cricketers fed Vegemite were forced to spread it an inch thick on their toast, when Ozzy batsman Mark Waugh was faced with 'My Mate Marmite' he started to cry for his mummy. There is one dark cloud on the horizon though, amongst the Australians a man has arisen, a dark and twisted man, a man of rare and evil genius, a man with the knowledge and malice aforethought to create this malevolent creation............. A Vegemite Milkshake, oh the horror of it.
Fight back dear Brits, tell them how We Love Marmite, tell them everything we know about beloved Marmite, and never, never, ever mention the vile and low sect that have broken from the true faith and have declared that they hate Marmite.
Finally, there is no link to the foul spawn that is Bovril, for verily shall they place a wav. file onto your PC that will play a fucking annoying song, seemingly without end, until your machine is rebooted, bastards.

I've just taken The Spark Death Test, the news is fairly good, apparently I'm going to live to the ripe old age of 81 when I'll cop it from either a heart attack or cancer, or worryingly from alien abduction or auto-fellatio, do shout out your results please.

Hmm, Mark and Lard, sometimes I have to allow the staff a couple of hours off from the metal/punk/prog/thrash/speed that dominates the kitchen cd player, therefore I am plagued by the aforementioned moron brothers of an afternoon. Now, I could cope with the two boys of little brain driveling on all through the afternoon if it wasn't for an extended feature they ran last week which centered on jokes about fisting!!
I would agree with anyone that Steve Wright and his sycophants were perhaps not the brightest sparks on radio, but seldom if ever did they sink to the depths of making extreme sexual practices the focal point of the show. Obviously I'm not offended by their puerile antics, but I had trouble explaining the fisting concept to my six year old boy after he heard it.

Wahey, I've had (nearly) two full days off work, that's two full days in six weeks, go on, feel sorry for me! Anyway, Meg and myself had a nice lunch at Bistro Fiori in Leeds, roast pheasant with a nice Chianti for me, penne carbonara with the '02 vintage diet coke for Meg. I splashed out on a few cd's in the HMV sale, a re-mastered copy of Marillion - Fugazi caught my eye. Re-mastered to make the drums sound like cardboard boxes, can't quite figure out why.

The diet has gone to bollocks already, we ate out again in the evening, Balti Master and the nicest garlic naan I have ever eaten, and some lager, oh well, at least I did 20k on the rowing machine. Holiday planning is now in full swing for the whistle stop tour of Europe, but I've been barred from vineyard visits, can't think why that should be.

WARNING : POTENTIALLY NOT WORK SAFE BIT. This might count as porn, but don't worry, you won't see any naked flesh as it is all safely enclosed in well inflated rubber, I don't know about you, but it doesn't press my buttons. And as for this, it is probably best not to ask how I found a site featuring a tinfoil devil hat wearing cow, I apparently have too much time on my hands.

A DANGEROUS CHILDHOOD
I might write a few of these, as it occurs to me there were a number of things we did as kids that seem insane and/or potentially life threatening by my adult sense of danger. This one is called...........

Cookie And The Genie. We always used to make genies when it was firework season, empty a whole packet of bangers on to a sheet then light them with a match, PWOOF, up it goes with a flash, great fun. We thought we could add to the fun by making a paper funnel and pouring a large (20 banger) genie into the lock of the school canteen, it was fitted with a paper 'fuse', and we all stood well back as the 'volunteer', Cookie, stood forward to light it. However, confined within the lock, the gunpowder once more behaved as a banger, like a bloody big one in fact, BOOM, Cookie was backlit by a fireball which exploded out from the door. We ran.
When we eventually stopped running and laughing we found that poor Cookie was blackened all up his arm and across one side of his face, and the canteen lock was ruined. Cookie had black gunpowder speckles in his skin for days, and the police didn't catch us, but we can't have been far away from causing serious injury, and we laughed 'till we cried afterwards.

All I can say is it's bloody lucky he didn't jump up in excitement, as it is he might never play the piano again, ouch.

I love Yorkshire, there are a number of other places in which I could live, such as lovely East Anglia, pretty Cambridgeshire or even the picturesque London borough of Waltham Forest, but on the whole the beautiful Yorkshire Dales are where my heart resides, and my home town of Ilkley is so pretty they even rave about it in Zaire, or Zimbabwe, or somewhere.

A missing weekend, we were hosting the rather nice chaps from the Hollinwell golf Club in Notts, good lads and very sportingly they lost the trophy to the Ilkley team.

Health report - insomnia vanished, weight 12st 13lbs so I'm whupping the pants off Weight Watchers Fast Start, ha ha.

I'm going to make some changes to the blog, there are two ways in which this can be done..
1) Make a careful and detailed study of HTML and Java, taking particular note of which commands interact with, and may conflict with, other commands.
2) Peer hopefully at the source code, alter something that looks likely, publish, scream, desperately try to remember what I altered, alter it again, publish, scream again, whimper, phone a PC literate mate to sort it out.